While facilitating a group of coaches, I explored the role of using empathy statements and supporting statements to respond to teacher statements that coaches might describe as “challenging.”

Teacher: “The district has given us a new curriculum which causes a great increase in planning time on our part and now we have to attend these cross-grade level meetings taking more of our time.”

Too often I find coaches responding to a statement like this by taking responsibility or by being defensive.

Coach: “I’ll see if I can shorten the meeting.” (responsible for the problem)

Coach: “The curriculum office is requiring every school to hold these meetings.” (defensive)

Empathy statements begin by recognizing an emotion that you believe is present and then pointing to future or past success, or pointing in a different direction. Frequently my empathy statement is preceded by a paraphrase that identifies the emotion.

Teacher: “The district has given us a new curriculum which causes a great increase in planning time on our part and now we have to attend these cross-grade level meetings taking more of our time.”

Coach: “You are feeling time pressures building increased stress.” (confirmatory paraphrase)

Teacher: “A ton.”

Coach: “A new curriculum does put planning and time demands on already stressed teachers’ schedules. I am hopeful that our cross-grade level planning leads to greater student success which will reward us all.” (Empathy Statement-future success)

Or

Coach: “It is a harried time for many teachers. What have you seen in the new curriculum that will be most helpful to your students?” (Empathy Statement -alternative direction)

Supporting statements differ from empathy statements in that they respond to what the teacher said or is thinking compared to the empathy statement which responded to feelings or emotions.

The first part of the supporting statement shares the strongest reinforcement that you can honestly provide. The second part either shows full agreement (those are easy 😊) or adds some limits to the acceptance or supports something else.

Teacher: “The district has given us a new curriculum which causes a great increase in planning time on our part and now we have to attend these cross-grade level meetings taking more of our time.”

Coach: “A new curriculum certainly adds to teachers’ planning time. Hopefully, the insights and understanding of cross-grade level teachers can increase our success matching planning to student needs.” (supporting statement)

Or

“Meetings sure do eat uptime. What outcome from the meeting would make you think the time was well spent?” (supporting statement)

When using supporting statements or empathy statements, I find it best to slow down my pace. It’s important that my voice and body language communicate that I am listening to what was shared and am being empathetic and supportive. The more you are feeling defensive, the more important it is to slow the pace. You want your response to be thoughtful and reflective. Another caution is to avoid using words like “but or however” as connectors between the two sentences in the statements. Your first statement communicates acceptance or support. When you follow that with a “but” it negates what was said. (That’s a good idea but………………) Not only does “but” negate the support – it also signals me to ready my rebuttal to the second part. It is the second part of these statements that you want people to consider. The support and empathy in the first part, along with your tone and body language, set the environment for the second part to be heard and considered.

Time is important. If you receive another challenging response to your empathy or support statement, listen, confirm, and ask to gain more understanding. Avoid problem-solving responsibility.

Here is another statement from a teacher that one of the coaches shared; “I’ve tried every strategy, and nothing works. These kids just can’t do it.”

I might approach this challenging statement like this: [Note that the teacher’s response at any point could switch directions]

“Sounds like you have invested a lot in supporting learning.” (confirmatory paraphrase)

“You’re disappointed that your efforts haven’t gotten a better return in learning.” (confirmatory paraphrase)

“Students’ lack of success is worrying and stressful. Not knowing what to try next can be scary. What do you think you have learned about what doesn’t work?” (empathy statement)

“You are working very hard. How much effort would you say students are investing?” (supporting statement)

“I am wondering if it would be valuable for me to observe students in an upcoming learning activity. You could describe the student engagement/effort you seek, and I could collect what I see individual students doing. I am thinking that might give us a starting point for a possible next step. What do you think?”

Real-time observation should strengthen the communication between teacher and coach as you move forward.

Drop me a note (sbarkley@pls3rdlearning.com ) if you’d like to explore a statement you find challenging.

In The Leader’s Guide to Coaching in Schools, John Campbell and Christian van Nieuwerburgh, share key coaching skills; several of which I think closely connect to listening skills.

• Being Present – “There are few greater gifts we can give another person these days than being present.” Giving full and focused attention is a powerful way to build trust.
• Listening Actively – “Listening at a level that really hears not only words but also emotions is enormously affirming, generating insights and self-understanding.” Listening in coaching isn’t a request for more information but rather enabling the teacher to listen to herself.
• Clarifying – “Clarifying consists of confirming that the coach has heard and understood what the coachee has said and intended.” The coachee should gain greater clarity herself from the coach’s clarifying process.

In my training and coaching of coaches, questioning and paraphrasing are often a focus of my work. Hand in hand the two coaching skills encourage teacher reflection that increases understanding and decision-making processes for future action. I describe this as empowering.

The confirmatory paraphrase is a statement rather than a question. After paraphrasing facts, feelings, or thoughts, the teacher will often confirm whether your response is on target by answering “yes” or “no.” While usually, our goal with confirmatory paraphrases is to get a “yes” response, indicating that our listening was accurate. A “no” response can indicate that our interpretation was off, encouraging the teacher to add new information to increase understanding. Note that making your tone of voice go up at the end of a statement makes it a question. The confirmatory paraphrase is not a question; it’s a statement. “You want students to have some struggle.” differs from “You want students to have some struggle?”

Confirmatory Paraphrases can clarify…

• Facts – what happened (details of event/experience)
• Feelings – emotions expressed verbally or nonverbally through tone of voice facial expression and body language
• Opinions – views and beliefs

Recently, a blog from the Wharton Business School triggered me to explore another possibility as to why the confirmatory paraphrase is so useful in coaching. Titled What Makes Songs Popular? It’s All About ‘You’, the post features an interview with Wharton marketing professor Jonah Berger, who with Grant Packard, a marketing professor at York University’s Schulich School of Business, completed a study that zeroes in on the pronoun “you.”

They found that songs with more “you” were more successful. People like a song more when it has more “you’s” in it and they like it more because it encourages them to think about someone in their own life that they feel that way towards.

“The word ‘You’ can drive action, even outside of music.”

– Jonah Berger

Notice that paraphrases most often contain the word you.

You are finding that…
As you see it…
Your thinking is…
You want to be sure that…
You’d like to find…
It sounds like you are convinced that…
Your point is…
You want me to…

Berger shares that, “Beyond the music industry, this has a lot of interesting implications. There’s other work showing that the word “you” can increase attention. For example, if I’m reading an ad or a piece of mail or an e-mail, and a subject line says, “You need to read this,” or “You won’t believe what happens next” — think about the clickbait world. You often see a lot of second-person pronouns used in very successful online content because it encourages us to pay attention.”

Another piece of advice for coaching was present in this study. Be cautious using you in closed-ended questions. Consider calling for customer service and getting these questions: “Have you tried this? or “Did you think about doing this?” When you use the word “you” a lot in a customer service context, it can make people feel like you think they are responsible. Customers can get really annoyed about that.

This rings in my ears when I hear a coach say, “Have you thought about…?” The teacher tends to hear,” You should have thought about…” This question frequently brings a defensive response. The teacher describes “why” the suggestion, which is built into the question, did not or would not work.

Coach: Have you considered using breakout rooms?

Teacher: My students won’t take responsibility for participating in non-facilitated conversations.

It’s very difficult for the coach to continue exploring the idea now. I find that increasing confirmatory paraphrases and asking fewer (especially closed-ended) questions in coaching settings generates more conversation. Paraphrases invite a response while questions can require a response. Conversation sets the stage for the teacher, hearing his/her own voice, to find clarity and ownership of future direction.

Listening has always been a critical skill for effective coaching. I’ve connected it with questioning skills. Too often when coaches are conscious of questioning, they can get too focused on creating their next question and not really listen as the teacher responds. The pause after a teacher speaks is the time to consider how I will respond. Sometimes a coach’s desire to be “helpful” has one looking for a solution or an improvement to move toward and thus miss hearing things that are important to the coachee. This can create an understanding gap. Following the teacher’s thinking can increase the teacher’s reflection and vulnerability leading to insight and growth.

The importance of listening was reinforced by Melissa Cournia on a webinar from LearningForward, Learning from Coaches: Supporting Coaches in a Virtual World. Melissa, an instructional coach, at Bismarck High School in North Dakota shared the following about her Instructional Support Team:

What we are doing most is listening. We are listening to…

• Students and their families through the counselors
• Administrators and their vision
• Our teachers
• PLCs
• One-on-one
• Department Chairs in their meetings

We are listening to where people are in their stages of concern to understand how we can best respond. We are also listening for silence. What are they not saying and what questions are they not asking? We are also listening for self- care.

In The Leader’s Guide to Coaching in Schools, John Campbell and Christian van Nieuwerburgh describe eight key coaching skills; three of which I think closely connect to listening.

1. Being Present – There are few greater gifts we can give another person these days than being present. Giving full and focused attention is a powerful way to build trust.
2. Listening Actively – Listening at a level that really hears not only words but also emotions is enormously affirming, generating insights and self-understanding.Listening in coaching isn’t a request for more information but rather enabling the teacher to listen to herself.
3. Clarifying – Clarifying consists of confirming that the coach has heard and understood what the coachee has said and intended. The coachee should gain greater clarity herself from the coach’s clarifying process.

 

In training for coaches, I often combine an examination of questioning skills with conscious practice of confirmatory paraphrasing.

The Confirmatory Paraphrase is a statement rather than a question. After paraphrasing facts, feelings or thoughts, the teacher will usually confirm whether your interpretation is on target by answering “yes” or “no.” Our expectation with Confirmatory Paraphrases is to get a “yes” response, indicating that our understanding is accurate. A “no” response indicates that the interpretation was off and the teacher can add new information to produce understanding. Note that making your tone of voice go up at the end of a statement makes it sound like a question. The Confirmatory Paraphrase is not a question; it’s a confirmation… a statement. (Building Communication and Teamwork, PLS3rdLearning)

Confirmatory Paraphrases can clarify…

• Facts – what happened (details of event/experience)
• Feelings – emotions expressed verbally or nonverbally through tone of voice facial expression and body language
• Opinions – views and beliefs

There are three keys to forming a Confirmatory Paraphrase:

1. Listen and observe carefully.
2. Decide whether to describe a fact, feeling, or opinion.
3. State your interpretation of the message you received.

Here are a few introductory phrases to guide you when you create a Confirmatory Paraphrase.

Fact:

The problem is . . .

It was . . .

The fact is . . .

You don’t know . . .

You don’t have . . .

What happened was . . .

You are finding that . . .

Feeling: (blanks would contain an emotion word)

It sounds like you are . . .

You seem . . .

You feel . . .

You look . . .

I hear _____ in your voice.

I see that you are . . .

Opinion:

You think that . . .

You believe that . . .

It sounds like you are convinced that . . .

Your point is . . .

You are telling me that . . .

I hear you saying that . . .

Your suggestion is . . .

So, your view is that . . .

You want to . . . / You don’t want to . . .

You wish it were . . .

You hope to . . .

You would like to . . .

Example:

Teacher: “It’s frustrating to put so much time into planning and preparing an online lesson and then have students not carry out the tasks and some not even log on.”

Possible Coach Confirmatory paraphrases:

Facts:

You are spending a lot of time preparing for virtual lessons.

There are numerous students not logging in for the synchronous activity.

Feelings:

You are disappointed with the outcome.

You are worried about how to proceed.

It’s feeling hopeless.

Opinions:

You think your planning time was wasted.

You sense that students (maybe parents) are not taking enough responsibility

You believe you need a different approach to designing the lesson.

I find that increasing confirmatory paraphrases and asking fewer (especially closed-ended) questions in coaching settings increase the sense of conversation. Paraphrases invite a response while questions require a response. During conversation the coachee tends to add more information and do more reflection, leading to understanding one’s own thinking more clearly.

In this week’s episode of the Steve Barkley Ponders Out Loud podcast, Steve looks at using confirmatory paraphrasing as a strategy to build communication in coaching.

Subscribe to the Steve Barkley Ponders Out Loud podcast on iTunes or visit BarkleyPD.com to find new episodes. Thanks for listening!

Having an opportunity recently to coach coaches renewed my understanding of the need to slow down and listen effectively as a coach. I believe that often a coach’s desire to be “helpful” has one looking for a solution or an improvement to move toward and thus missing hearing things that are important to the coachee. This can create an understanding gap. Following the teacher’s thinking can increase the teacher’s reflection and vulnerability leading to insight and growth.

I am currently reading The Leader’s Guide to Coaching in Schools,  by John Campbell and Christian van Nieuwerburgh. They describe eight key coaching skills; three of which I think closely connect to listening skills.

• Being Present – “There are few greater gifts we can give another person these days than being present.” Giving full and focused attention is a powerful way to build trust.
• Listening Actively – “Listening at a level that really hears not only words but also emotions is enormously affirming, generating insights and self-understanding.” Listening in coaching isn’t a request for more information but rather enabling the teacher to listen to herself.
• Clarifying – “Clarifying consists of confirming that the coach has heard and understood what the coachee has said and intended.” The coachee should gain greater clarity herself from the coach’s clarifying process.

In training for coaches, I often combine an examination of questioning skills with conscious practice of confirmatory paraphrasing. The following material is from the PLS3rdLearning program, Building Communication and Teamwork.

The Confirmatory Paraphrase is a statement rather than a question. After paraphrasing facts, feelings or thoughts, the teacher will usually confirm whether your guess is on target by answering “yes” or “no.”   Our goal with Confirmatory Paraphrases is to get a “yes” response, indicating that our guess is accurate. A “no” response indicates that the interpretation was off and the teacher can add new information to produce understanding. Note that making your tone of voice go up at the end of a statement makes it sound like a question. The Confirmatory Paraphrase is not a question; it’s a confirmation… a statement.

Confirmatory Paraphrases that can clarify…

• Facts – what happened (details of event/experience)
• Feelings – emotions expressed verbally or nonverbally through tone of voice facial expression and body language
• Opinions – views and beliefs

There are three steps to forming a Confirmatory Paraphrase:

1. Listen and observe carefully.
2. Decide whether to describe a fact, feeling, or opinion.
3. State your guess by describing your observation

Here are a few introductory phrases to guide you when you create a Confirmatory Paraphrase.

Fact:      The problem is . . .

It was . . .

The fact is . . .

You don’t know . . .

You don’t have . . .

What happened was . . .

You are finding that . . .

Feeling:   (blanks would contain an emotion word)

It sounds like you are . . .

You seem . . .

You feel . . .

You look . . .

I hear _____ in your voice.

I see that you are . . .

Opinion:  You think that . . .

You believe that . . .

It sounds like you are convinced that . . .

Your point is . . .

You are telling me that . . .

I hear you saying that . . .

The suggestion is . . .

So, your view is that . . .

You want to . . . / You don’t want to . . .

You wish it were . . .

You hope to . . .

You would like to . . .

“Some people listen to understand, while some listen to respond.” —Anonymous

Example:

Teacher: It’s frustrating to put so much time into planning a lesson and then not have it go well.

Possible Coach Confirmatory paraphrases:

Facts:

You spent a lot of time preparing the lesson.

The students didn’t respond the way you expected.

Feelings:

You are disappointed with the outcome.

You are worried about how to proceed.

Opinions:

You think your planning time was wasted.

You believe you need a different approach to planning.

I find that increasing confirmatory paraphrases and asking fewer (especially closed-ended) questions in coaching settings increases the sense of conversation. Paraphrases invite a response while questions require a response. During the conversation of a conference the coachee tends to add more information and do more reflection, leading to understanding one’s own thinking more clearly.